Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Saying Goodbye to 'My' Church

I'm mourning again. Not for my son this time, although that continues, but for my church.

After a lot of soul-searching (no pun intended), my husband and I have decided it's time to find a new church home.

That may not seem like a big thing to a lot of people, and there was a time when it would not have been hard for me. It wasn't hard for me to leave my childhood church and I've drifted through a number of congregations during my adult years. But over the last six years my church has become a very important part of my life. I volunteered in the nursery and watched babies grow up. I trusted my Sunday school class like best friends. The people I saw there every Sunday and sometimes at other times became as precious as family. There are people I hug and kiss and say "I love you" and mean it from the bottom of my heart.

But in the last three weeks, things have changed, as they often do.

Initially it felt like a death, like someone I cared for had been taken from me. I couldn't believe it was gone. That the music and preaching I'd looked forward to each Sunday wouldn't be happening again was hard to grasp. At odd moments, I would weep. It hurt to drive by the building (still does, in fact).

For two Sundays I went back, hoping there was enough of what I loved to help me through the transition, but instead I found faces I loved missing. Not all of them, but enough to know that there would be no going back. I found myself crying during service because it wasn't what I wanted, what my soul craved, the way I needed to connect with God.

Now it feels more like divorce. The relationship is damaged beyond repair and I'm going to leave and try to start over.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more it does feel like a divorce. There's the initial estrangement, and the fact that I still love and care for people I'll be leaving, and the fact that right now it's ugly and raw. And there's also the fact that like a marriage, a good relationship with a church requires some work and occasionally forgiveness and compromise. I've stuck it out before. It's not that I'm unwilling to work out the kinks in a relationship. There was betrayal before and it hurt, but it was clear cut and so obviously wrong that the congregation didn't split although there were gradually a number of people who left.

This time I'm one of the people leaving and like all those who vacated their pews already, I'm not waiting to see how all the dust settles.

People outside of a church may look at it as a sign of what's wrong with Christianity, but the fact is that although we may be a group of people who are Christians, we are still people. We are subject to the same desires and needs as everyone else and our efforts to get through life will follow different paths. We all may be genuinely trying to follow the same guidelines for doing so, but read our instruction manual (the Bible) differently. Just as Americans in general want the best for their country, yet sometimes split along ugly lines in politics, we are not always united in the path we see as best for our churches.

When that happens, we disagree and sometimes the disagreement is severe enough to split churches. Until I went through it, I didn't really understand why a group of people with the same goal couldn't get along. Now I do. The same things that divide us in our communities still make their way into church, regardless of how we try.

I realize that sometimes we choose to stick it out, expecting the tide to shift or deciding that the things that are not affected by a change -- maybe something as solid as proximity or family tradition -- are enough to see us through. Sometimes we watch the accumulating changes like weights being piled on a scale until it tilts and we decide the things that would keep us coming are outweighed and cannot hold us.

I'm still grieving for the fact that wherever I land, a large group of people that I dearly love won't be there and for a while, at least, I'll be struggling to fit into a new place. But six years ago, I was still feeling my way at the church that until recently felt like home, so I know it's a task worth doing.

Worship is too important to me to let it slide or let it be anything less than fulfilling. My relationship with my God demands it of me.


10 comments:

  1. Well written about a subject people don't often like talking about. I've been there and seen it happen to others all too often.

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    1. I'm glad I didn't write it sooner when I was still really really angry. I would have said unchristian things. I do try to not do that, while at the same time be honest.

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  2. To me the key aspects are the people and relationships. I can understand your sorrow over those and wish you well as you find a new spiritual home.

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    1. I've had people tell me it's our church and we should keep going. But is is about worship and relationships and the worship I enjoyed is gone while some of the key relationships have been damaged. I still have many friends who are comfortable calling that congregation home, and it does hurt to know I won't see them every week and may well drift out of one another's lives. If we're true friends, however, that won't happen.

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  3. Yep. I'm currently estranged from my church. Unfortunately, what's keeping me away has a lot to do with problems that seem to be part of Christian culture all the way through (not the faith or God, but the culture we've brought to it). I keep praying to find a way to go back. But, yeah, it hurts and it's a little like divorce and it sucks, but we do move on.

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    1. Ah, yes, humanity and how we ruin church. I think what has happened to me could be a prime example. Let's totally disregard that bit about loving everyone and not judging, shall we. Sometimes it seems like people are looking for the sin they don't do, because it's worse, or some other reason to judge and condemn instead of love and support. I know I'll never find a perfect church family, but I'm willing to keep trying. Like divorce, however, I'm not jumping back in the pool yet. I'm taking a few weeks to catch my breath and lick my wounds.

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  4. I haven't gone to church in a long time. My answer was that I didn't need a church to worship God. The fact of the matter that I don't say because people look at you as if you have 2 heads. I'm not sure what I believe anymore and until I figure it out it would just feel like a big charade to me right now. Am I angry at God maybe am I confused about God definitely this is hard for me because I come from a long line of preachers. I don't know!

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    1. My grandfather was a grade school dropout and one of the most spiritual men I know. He went from running moonshine and an alcoholic to preaching, and even the more learned pastors would come to him with questions. I wish I had him to talk to now. He went through church breakups long before their causes even concerned me. His faith was unwavering, despite the things he had gone through, and I know he would be able to help us both. His father was crippled by a drunk driver when I was a child; he buried both his parents and his baby brother and then his wife, who he never expected to live without. He was also horribly burned by an exploding gasoline tank when I was a child (before his father's accident). I'm glad he didn't have to help us bury my son, but at the same time I selfishly wish I had him to talk to about Ethan and my church. I have no doubt he's with Ethan now.

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    2. This is something I have been struggling with for a while. I just don't know where my beliefs lie anymore and it is scary for me. I was raised to believe in God and have faith. I wonder have I just misplaced my faith or have I ever had it to begin with. With my mom's people it was more like he was an angry vengeful God. If you did wrong then bad things were to come. They come no matter what as you can attest to. I just don't know how to define myself anymore. It's like I am standing on a line and I must choose right or left and I just can't make a decision or figure out my feelings.

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  5. This is my struggle. My husband has served on church staffs over the years. When he was downsized because of reorganization or lack of money our family lost our source of income, benefits, place of worship and friends.Because there is not a human resources department the employee has no rights. Because the church is a non-profit organization there are no unemployment benefits. I will never put all of my eggs in one basket again.

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