I know that I have to be kind to myself and allow myself time to grieve, but the simple truth of the matter is I'm tired of the way I'm living so, with the advent of a new month if not a new year, I've got to recommit myself to doing not just a little better, but a lot better.
Yes, there is a difference between being kind to yourself and completely wasting the air you breathe. Lately, when I'm alone, I'm simply wasting oxygen.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but the fact is I feel like I'm stuck here. Even when I'm not wallowing in grief, I cannot find the motivation to do what I need to be doing. Instead, I tend to settle into my computer chair and write, and while the writing is good it has begun to feel addictive. I think if I didn't have the grandchildren, I could spend my entire day at this computer, writing, sharing, reading other people's stories and then repeating the cycle.
If nothing else, it's making me need reading glasses and when I look at the clock, which I normally hide behind my coffee cup, and realize that the children will be here in just a little while, it doesn't leave me much time to take care of my other needs.
Therapy is limited to an hour long session and I'm going to have to put a limit on my blogging/networking time in the same manner.
That sounds almost as scary as saying "This is my last cigarette...my last drink."
Seriously, I'm already thinking of ways around the limit, like on weekends, or if I've already checked off the other items on my to-do list.
I used to exercise regularly if not religiously. Sure, the weather has sucked, but there's a Bowflex and a recumbent bike in the bedroom at the other end of the house, along with small free weights, an exercise ball and a host of other goodies that I need to be using. I know that I would, in fact, feel better if I were using them.
Not so long ago I also ate regular, healthy meals. Now I can't even make up a grocery list that isn't entirely for the three little people because I cannot think of a thing that I want to eat. Although my sourdough bread experiment will eventually create a health alternative and does get me eating a whole grain bread periodically, I'm likely to forget breakfast until time for little folks, skip lunch or eat their leftovers, and be left scrounging for dinner when I'm famished which is not a good combination for healthy eating.
While I don't often read a lot of other blogs, I participated in a blog exchange this weekend where I found two other women refocusing their lives on taking better care of themselves as well, and that means I've got blogging friends to help me be accountable, even if we're only connected in cyberspace. If we get to feeling off track, we can check to see how someone else is doing.
So, starting today I'm planning for an hour of exercise beginning at 9 a.m. How's that for concrete? If I manage more on Tuesday (PiYo and Zumba night) then bonus, but I can't wait until snow calls off class and be scrambling around. That won't work. And slow walking my house dogs or gymnastics with the girls will not count. Two days off will be allowed -- Wednesday for E1's therapy and the drive and Sunday as it is a day of rest.
Computer time on weekdays must end at 9 a.m. and I'll leave myself some flexibility for now on weekends, as long as I get back to my lingering projects (E1 still needs a turtle, and then her sisters will need something, too).
At the same time, I'm going to start putting a lot more thought into what and when I eat. No more starvation at dinner time with no earthly idea what to put on the table. Darn it, I'll have to plan ahead. Right now I'll plan on a fatfest for the Super Bowl and go from there. But I already know it means I'll have to buy fresh green stuff and eat it instead of feed it to the chickens after it goes bad. It may be back to salad and bread, with a little pasta or rice on the side for my hubby and some sort of protein to fill us up.
And wow, would you look at the time? It's 8:30 a.m. which means if I'm going to make 9 a.m. Zumba, I need to wash down this oatmeal cupcake, wrap up this blog and get going.
I know I can do this. Encourage me all you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment