A Blue Christmas? Something Needs to Change

The holiday season -- whatever you celebrate and regardless of why you celebrate, heck, even if you don't celebrate -- is tough.

There's no way around it and it's made worse by the fact that we tend to think we're the only ones having a hard time negotiating the terrain of life between Thanksgiving and Jan. 2.

I blame Norman Rockwell and television. Well, that and the fact that we universally lie to one another about how great our holidays are, or our memories from childhood when we didn't really know what was going on are so clouded that we think perfection existed then and it's just now that we are failures.

Wrong.

Dreaming of that greeting card Christmas where everyone gathers around the table, clean, sober and civil, for a holiday toast of eggnog, mulled cider or maybe hot chocolate, can drive us insane when we're actually dealing with the reality.

Reality for a vast number of us, including me, includes a big chunk of dysfunction. How we cope with it affects our ability to enjoy the holidays.

Right now, I'm not doing too good. Despite my intent to focus on my grandchildren, and the fact that I've put my holiday energies there, I'm still struggling to be filled with Christmas cheer. Although I promised myself I would never get caught up in that vision of a perfect holiday that I've seen so many people struggle with, I'm finding it difficult this year. Since my winter depression doesn't usually hit until after the tree comes down, I'm looking for ways to cope better.

So for me, and everyone else that is finding it tough, I've been looking for ideas to help. Some have helped me identify my unexpected blues and maybe they will help you as well. Using medical sources I've narrowed it down to a list of 10.

1) Don't lower your expectations too much. Expecting too little from the holiday as a way of avoiding disappointment can be as bad as expecting too much. Seriously, if you start trying to prepare yourself for a holiday without a family member, you can miss the joy of everyone else. If you just know that nothing will go right, even if it does, you may be so caught in your blue fog that you don't notice. I put this first because I think that's what's happened to me after Thanksgiving. Really, while I missed my son who chose not to come, it didn't keep me from enjoying the day, so I shouldn't let anticipation of a repeat put a damper on Christmas either.

2)Volunteer and do something for someone else. Oops. I've messed up here already. I ALWAYS help pack Christmas food boxes, but I'm so far out of the loop no one reminded me of the date and I missed it this year. In the last 20 or so years, I've only missed doing it once before and perhaps part of my blues comes from that absence. I may need to be looking for another opportunity.

3)Exercise. Doctors recommend that even if you don't feel like you have the time or energy, exercise will help beat back depression. I've been doing some of that, but I'm used to being outside everyday for about an hour of fresh air and walking. I cannot control the weather and the rain has kept me inside. I think that may be part of my problem identified right there. Instead of spending my mornings walking with dogs, I've been stuck inside waiting on stir crazy preschoolers -- hmm, could that be making me a little crazy, too?

4)Find positive ways to remember loved ones. This is the week I lost my Ma. I was sitting in a courtroom waiting on some boring legal decision when my mom called and I felt my phone vibrate. I slipped out to call her back and found out my most beloved grandparent had slipped quietly away less than two weeks before her most beloved holiday and the one we always spent with her. The ways I remember her are positive, but this week I'm exceptionally sad, especially since the weather was so much like this year as well. I'll celebrate her by fixing a ham, and her famous chocolate pies, and maybe some really good mashed potatoes just like she would have done, and by decorating because the little people who call me Ma like it.

5)Use a sun lamp to fight seasonal depression. I have one because I know I have a touch of seasonal depression caused by shorter days. Although it's a bit early in the season, the ongoing rain and gloom are probably contributing to that as well. Got to dig that darn thing out and sit and listen to Christmas carols.

6)Lean on your support system (family, friends, support group, or therapist, if you have one). I've been a slacker in that area as well. I haven't talked to my best friend about just not quite feeling up to Christmas this year. Instead I'm still aiming to be little Miss Christmas. Guess I'm going to have to come clean.

7)In contradiction to not expecting too much, have modest expectations. DO NOT EXPECT THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS! Too many of us (including my family sometimes) dream that somehow we will put aside the differences that keep us from being close the other 364 days of the year and have peace and harmony together at Christmas. Somehow the magic of the season will spread to our dysfunctional families and they will be perfect for that one day. In direct relation to that, don't expect to have the perfect gift for everyone, or that someone will buy the perfect gift for you if you don't tell them what it is. Not giving or getting that gift should not set the tone for the holiday, but I also know that is part of my problem. My adult son has asked for something outlandishly expensive that I know he would love. I had to flat out say no. That's in direct contrast to the mom idea of seeing a child's face light up when they open their gifts -- never mind his age.

8)Don't overindulge in food or holiday "spirits." Darn, I was really looking forward to spiking a really big glass of eggnog and overdosing on calories, sugar and alcohol all at once. Or maybe baking and devouring a few sheets of holiday cookies. I've got some great recipes and I have the perfect little people to help bake them. It would feel good at the time, but the guilt, carb crash and potential hangover wouldn't help my overall mood I know.

9)Forget the unimportant stuff. I know, I do not have to put every decoration on the tree. Yet it haunts me that they are still languishing in a closet. Let it go already. No, I also am not displaying every light and I'm deeming it a failure and blaming it on my lack of enthusiasm and anticipation of having to put it all away after the holiday. No one but me notices that I haven't found my wreath yet (I hope) or hung the icicle lights. Don't we all have things we do that we can probably do without sometimes? I've got to let it go.

10)Remember the reason for the season. OK, so this one didn't make the WebMD list, but really, for most of us taking a step back to think about why we celebrate Christmas instead of how can bring some serenity. It's not about getting together with family, gifts, food, parties, decorating or cooking -- nope, none of the things we get focused on and consumed by are really what matters. Christmas is the day set aside to observe a miracle, love come to life, the redemption of mankind. It's about unselfish love that we've all been given whether we accept it or not. If we remember Christmas and let that love fill us, all these other things don't matter nearly as much.

So let the true spirit of Christmas fill you. Let go of the things stressing you out and be good to yourself. Sounds easy, but I know it won't be quite that simple. Still, it gives us something to aim for and if we manage only partial success, we'll still feel better in the long run.

The First Ballet -- Nutcracker, Of Course

Along about this time of year it often comes to the mothers of small children, particularly little girls, that it might be a good idea to take them to see The Nutcracker.

OK, so I'm basing my hypothesis on my own experience with the Es and their mom, but any way, last week she called me with the idea of going to see The Nutcracker.

It seemed logical as the girls are frequently taken by the idea of ballet and occasionally dance around the house in assorted tutus. At the same time, there is a conveniently located School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, which stages the holiday ballet each winter.

Then again, the bigger girls are only 2 and 4, so I thought a full staging of the production might be a bit much and suggested the local theater, which brings in a visiting ballet for a children's production each winter. As luck would have it, the day we debated the question was the final day advance tickets were on sale for the local production (smaller but cheaper as well) and the show was coming up that weekend. She was all in and invited my mother and I to join them as well.

On Sunday afternoon we assembled in our seats. The girls were excited, but E2 was skipping her nap, so a little on the edgy side. E1 had insisted on wearing her church clothes for the event and was completely adorable.

Now is the time for me to admit that I've never watched The Nutcracker in any form. The closest I get is enjoying some of the music from the Trans Siberian Orchestra at Christmas -- and I only know that because I did recognize some of the songs in a less jazzed up version during the production. Ballet, well, it probably is no more my thing than it is that of a 4-year-old. At the same time, I do have the patience to sit through some fairly lengthy, less than exciting things, thanks to years of covering governmental meetings.

Before the theater filled, the girls used a little excess energy running the aisles and checking out the seats. The theater at the Andy Griffith Playhouse, where Andy attended school 50 or 60 years ago, is the actual auditorium of the old Rockford Street School in Mount Airy. The stage is too small for a full ballet, but perfect for local theater. The seats are padded, as I'm sure they weren't in their school days. And the sounds and lights are first class for a small theater.

There was a bit of bustle over people getting seated and some confusion in front of us where it appeared there might be fisticuffs between some older folks over who got the seats. I didn't realize it was a such a hot ticket. E2 occasionally noted the appearance of shoes beneath the curtains and would loudly proclaim, "I see ballet slippers." Between those outbursts, she fidgeted.

Finally the lights went down, the narrator, who did double duty as a dancer, took the stage, and the show began. E1 claimed my lap and her sister sat on Mom so they could better see the stage. Act 1 covered a lot of territory, and by the time the curtains dropped, I wish I could say E1 was enthralled. Instead, as the narrator summed up what was to come in Act 2, she said quietly, "I wanna go home."

I told her I wanted to see the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, which she thought might have some appeal, and that the show would be over soon after that, so I thought we might tough it out. She agreed that we should stay. Next to us, E2 was faring no better, and I was doubly glad we hadn't opted for the full staged production and the longer drive.

The dancing was enjoyable and apparently inspiring as E1 now wants to take ballet, she says. All the same, Mom and I were both glad to release squirming children when the lights came up and the show, which had lasted less than 90 minutes was over. I'm not sure who of the four of us was most tired.

Afterwards, the girls had some memories of their first ballet and stories to tell. There will probably be dances and scenes that stick with them, bits and pieces they'll remember as fun. The fidgeting and unexciting spells will slip away from their memories quicker than they do ours.

It would be all too easy to say it was a wasted effort. The girls didn't experience the magic that we might have anticipated. But at the same time, I think sometimes as parents/grandparents we set our own expectations too high.

I still remember early Christmases with my firstborn, when I was so eager for her to have the magic and be excited, and it was really my excitement and dreams of magic that pulled me from the bed at an indecently early hours. By the time she was old enough to be excited, I was ready to sleep in (OK, only until 7 or so).

Remembering the things that don't go as we planned, or hearing other's tales of disaster, can easily dissuade us from trying new things or repeating an experience. It shouldn't and, thanks in no small part to my daughter's hard-headed nature, probably won't. Next year, while they will still be E1 and E2, they will also be a year older and in many ways totally different children from who they were this year. They'll have memories to build on, and perhaps there will be less squirming and more "Ahhs."

Another year or so down the road, we may all be ready for the full stage production and eager to appreciate an orchestra and full cast, things that would have been wasted on us this year and might have made the experience enough to dissuade us from trying again.

As it is, we'll probably tack The Nutcracker into our holiday plans moving forward. And E1 is still talking about ballet lessons.